me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
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Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
podcasts
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…