therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
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Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket