Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
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[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
scrabbled eggs
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”