Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
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Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.