Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
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emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser