My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
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Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Spider-cat: No One Home
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.