Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
You Might Also Like
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Well, this explains it:
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Check your privilege
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes