I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
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ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Lassie, get help!
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.