ready to be harvested
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FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Trying
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.