“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
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chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
The fall of Netflix
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.