There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
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“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?