Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
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There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now