Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
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people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I’m having an out of money experience.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.