*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
You Might Also Like
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Monica just destroyed the internet
Miscakes
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence