god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
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FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”