GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
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I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Raisins are grape jerky.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*