Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
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when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
is this store having a stroke wtf
Banana is the quietest snack
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
My neck, my back, my…
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting