Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
You Might Also Like
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.