When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
🤣🤣
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.