I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
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A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone