[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
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A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
how it started vs how it ended
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.