the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
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“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
ACED my prostate exam!
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
You can’t outrun your problems…
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.