Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
You Might Also Like
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Facebook memories be like
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Me My dog
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.