(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
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[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.