wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
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Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8