*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun