My retirement plan is to become a cat.
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The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I have a new favorite meme page
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft