I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
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Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”