[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
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CRYING
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.