[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”