[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
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So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
ME (calling my horse with no name):
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”