I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??