Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
You Might Also Like
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men