Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
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[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Sooo many times…..
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now