TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
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before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Happy Friday
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one