In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
You Might Also Like
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
My new favorite headline
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick