Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
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TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don鈥檛 know how to drive
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 馃槧
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 馃槨
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 馃槨馃槨馃槨
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
You: I鈥檓 combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I鈥檓 combining wine and dinner. Winner
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I want to see the look on the burglar鈥檚 face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you鈥檝e been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That鈥檚 not a Twitter account. It鈥檚 a group text.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here