YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
You sure about that?
very niche meme I made
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE