One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
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If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
How I’d get arrested…
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?