Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach