My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
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One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I thought this was funny lol
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period