She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please