When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
You Might Also Like
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”