tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
🐕🍷
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”