ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
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Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?