Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
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5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
be careful
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
ACED my prostate exam!
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”