I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
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Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.