“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
You Might Also Like
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
(Gaming support cat.)
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Phonetics
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*