A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I am patiently waiting for your email
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Important reminders