Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
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The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox